The Pain
by Grin like the Cheshire Cat
Summary: She wasn't really sure how she was supposed to breathe after all this.


To anyone that was sitting in the stands, Pansy oozed an aura of calm, sophisticated grace. She was twirling her wand between her fingers, scanning the crowd as she waited with the rest of Hogwarts to see who would be crowned the Triwizard Champion.

Though if anyone were to Legilimens her mind, all they would see if turmoil. She'd had a bad feeling about the whole competition the moment her father had mentioned it over dinner. He would have no interest in something as trivial as that, and considering that Death Eaters had terrorised the World Cup, she knew it wasn't good interest. She knew what her father once was, what he still is. But she daren't say anything about it, she had only nodded along, commenting that it should be good sport it one were to die. Get Dumbledore knocked off his throne.

Her father had given a sickening smile at that.

She had thought it might have been about Dumbledore, he had always hated the Headmaster, and anything that involved talk of him going he always got enthusiastic.

But now she thought back on it, there had been humour dancing in his eyes, not a simple pleased look he would shoot her whenever she said something like that.

But pure, sinister humour.

And now Pansy was frightened.

Nothing had drastically happened the whole tournament, and with this being the final task, she couldn't stop the feeling of dread gripping her heart.

To her right, one of her closest friends - Daphne Greengrass - shot her a smirk, but her eyes displayed everything to her. Daphne subtly held onto Pansy's hand, hidden under their robes, letting Pansy grip onto her as a lifeline, Theo, Blaise and Draco were all behind her, they would be able to shield from any eyes that could be looking in their direction.

And finally, the moment she had been waiting for had arrived.

The sharp noise of someone returning to the front, either Potter or Cedric. The female and Krum had both already been brought through.

The music erupted around them, people standing and cheering, and Pansy was trying to see through the crowds.

 _Who was it?!_

She saw a mess of black hair and gritted her teeth. Obviously, he had won.

But where was Cedric?

He should be here, the champion has been chosen, Potter of all people, but Cedric should be out by now, he doesn't need to be there anymore. And then someone screamed, the crowd around them leaving them all to surge forward, people starting to sob, and the mood suddenly got cold. People were murmuring trying to find out what had happened.

Daphne was holding onto Pansy just as tightly as she was now, scared for her dark-haired friend.

They couldn't see anything over the mass of people now, everyone but the five of them had crowded forward, shielding the floor from them.

And then she heard those words that had _shattered_ her spirit.

"Cedric Diggory! _Dead_!"

Pansy felt coldness rush through her, and like her heart was in her throat, head swirling, the room was get dizzy.

"Pansy," she knew it was Blaise that had moved to stand in front of her, but she felt like he wasn't really there.

She didn't feel the pressure Daphne was applying to her hand, or hear Draco and Theo muttering about needing to move her from sight before she caught up with the world.

Cedric?

As in her Cedric? Cedric Diggory? The horribly kind man that bought her different flowers when they went on private dates until he found her favourite, or stayed with her when she tried to shoo him away with stories of just how horrible her family is. The same beautiful man that subtly hexed people for her, and tried to help her as inconspicuously as possible in public, the same man that had friends that supported them and covered for them when they wanted alone time.

The same man that was too good for this world and deserved everything he asked for, was no longer part of this world?

That Cedric Diggory? Dead?

"Pansy," it was Draco now, "think of your father."

And that had been all it took, her father started to cloud over her whirlwind, like a dark looming storm. The yelling, the drinking, the swearing, the beatings everything he had done and would do if he ever caught wind of her reaction. Ever caught wind of her love for a now dead man. Ever heard a mere whisper of her forbidden relationship.

She was in her mind now, and she hurt. Her hand was numb, her eyes burned, and her heart felt like it had left her chest.

"We should go," Theo had moved to her other side.

"If we all go it'll be too noticeable, I'll leave alone," Pansy gave no room for argument, though she could see them bubbling on all their tongues.

"I will leave alone, one Slytherin gone will be less noticeable than two, and they'll notice if we're all gone, I refuse to give them reason to suspect that we had any play in this."

Pansy didn't look any of them in the eye, and left the school's little stadium, making sure to remain silent whilst also appearing bored of the events.

The moment she knew darkness was covering her, she knew she would not be okay, and she let herself be that.

The whole way up to castle was empty, quiet and eerie. And it gave her too much time to think. She stumbled along now, eyes blurry and her head hurting and her heart … her heart screaming, crying, yelling, furious, dead, alive, everything and nothing all at once.

She didn't pay attention to what she was doing, noticing small parts of her surrounding, she was in the corridors, the dungeons, the common room, HER room. And then she wasn't. She was on the seventh floor, a door opening for her, and being surrounded by hideous shades of yellow, pillows everywhere, blankets, the whole floor was squishy and soft.

She fell onto it, and realised she had a box in her arms, as it tumbled with her and its contents spilled onto the floor around her.

And she smiled.

She wasn't sure how any of the bottles didn't break, but there it was. Her collection of various alcoholic beverages that she kept for the parties they would throw. Occasionally even to sell to other houses, it was a good way to get a judge of character from other people, of course, she would be one of the background people.

Her collection was large, and she knew a lot of the contents hadn't left the box, since it had an enlarging charm inside of it, it carried plenty of expensive, perhaps even priceless alcohol.

Alcohol that would help her tonight.

And that's how her friends found her, it might've been mere minutes, it might've been hours, maybe even a day or two.

Their normally smirking, cunning friend, had bottles surrounding her, completely out of her mind drunk, sobbing her eyes out. Screaming into the oblivion, shooting spells at the walls, vomiting in corners not giving a care as to who might see her. She was in pain, beyond any pain she could ever experience.

They had never thought they would see her like this, her eyes wild, clouded by pain and alcohol, they were unsure as to how they could help, but Daphne shrugged and started to transfigure her more satisfying objects to throw.

Pansy didn't even seem to notice that they weren't pillows she was throwing anymore, didn't care that glass was everywhere, and that she was hurting herself, getting cuts from throwing already broken pieces against the wall, falling onto the pieces strewn along the floor.

She didn't let anyone near her, screamed if they came too close, and eventually the others had to leave her to grieve, Blaise stating that he was staying behind, waiting for her to get everything out. The others had left and came back with things for Blaise to entertain himself with, some were books – academic and for leisure, others were just simple things like spells to try and games he can play alone.

Pansy didn't care, she didn't care about any of this, she couldn't feel any burns down her throat anymore, she didn't even really remember why she was in pain, but it felt right to keep drinking. So, she did, she kept drinking, throwing a gin bottle against the wall and grinning, she started laughing, laughing so hard that tears started to run down her face. But she kept laughing, not caring that her make-up would be smudged, not even realising that her laughter had become sobs, filled with so much pain.

Eventually, she found herself holding another bottle of alcohol, sitting in a corner, surrounded by bottles. There was glass everywhere, pillows and fluff torn apart, walls scorched and even had little dents in them.

She doesn't remember any of this, the spells, the glass shattering or her friends stepping in. She just remembers grief, she had never thought she would experience something so severe, she knew small pains, like when her cat had died because her father had gotten into a rage, or her personal house elf taking the fall when Pansy accidentally made a mistake.

But this … this pain was enormous, spread throughout of her body, still dancing like flames being fuelled in the wind and she knew it would be around for years. She wasn't sure how she was supposed to compose herself from this, even the idea of being stoic in the hallways didn't seem like something she would be able to maintain.

"Come on, you're a Parkinson, you can do this," she was slapping her cheeks, her voice was hoarse, practically non-existent.

So she stood, and got a mirror put in place. She cleaned herself up, removing all the make-up she had on and fixing her hair before nodding to herself. She had no idea what the time was, but she hoped she had already missed the day. On her way out, she picked up her box filled with drinks, noticeably a little emptier than before. Pansy only shrugged, shrunk down the box and put it in her pocket and left the room.

"Pansy," she pointed her wand, hitting Theo from how close he was.

Pansy gave a formal nod as an apology and put her wand away.

No one was around, which is the only reason Pansy didn't freak out when Theo threw his arms around her, squishing her against him.

It was a quick one, ending with Theo moving back, leaving his hands resting on her arms.

Pansy gave a small smile to that, eyes already watering. And nodded, knowing that there was no use to try and bother using her voice.

"Day is nearly over; do I want to know how trashed the room is?"

Pansy gave a smirk, looking forward as they made their way down to the common room.

 _I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm f-_

"You know we will look after you until the end Pans, yeah?" Theo was looking straight ahead as he spoke.

Pansy couldn't help but glance at him as they made their way lower and lower down the school.

"Classes were all cancelled today, and everyone is losing their minds. There's going to be a goodbye breakfast tomorrow, you'll have to be there, they'll notice if anyone is gone tomorrow."

Pansy nodded in agreement, feeling no need to speak. She knew that people would already question where she was today, no need to make them think she is mourning his death.

 _A simple Hufflepuff._

She couldn't get herself to believe that, but she knew she needed to try. Pansy was taking in her surroundings as she walked through the corridors, she couldn't remember if she had ever seen the castle this quiet. It felt like everything was darker, like Hogwarts itself was mourning its loss of a brilliant student.

 _As it should._

The few people that were out were all just sitting there, some were talking quietly, like if they're any louder they'll break something precious, others were just staring into the distance, as if they were waiting for something … someone. She noticed that it was mostly Hufflepuff students. She couldn't blame them.

She made eye contact with one of Cedric's closest friends, he looked so destroyed, and Pansy felt her heart go out to him. She had always found him lovely, and always pulled strings for her, he was actually quite good at steering people to do his bidding with a smile. They probably got along best.

They made eye-contact.

Pansy looked down, she wondered if he would hate her now.

They rounded the corner, another staircase in sight, the whole area completely devoid of movement besides the paintings shifting.

"Pansy," she turned to him, Merlin her eyes were already watering seeing the yellow tie.

He didn't say anything, just wrapped his arms around, and stood there, as Pansy silently started to cry into his robes. She would give herself this one show of weakness.

Everything was hurting so much worse again, it was like she had put burning cream over herself and it only worked for the 20 minutes it took to get up to that point. Blood was pumping in her ears again and she felt light headed and she knew she was sobbing now, clutching onto him like a lifeline, she loved her friends. But she knew that they wouldn't be able to comfort her the way he could, the way the rest of Hufflepuff could, even Cho Chang, who had covered for her and gone as Cedric's date to the Yule Ball. They would all be able to understand, their hearts hurting too. But Merlin she hoped none of them were experiencing her pain, she hoped it was a lighter burden on their shoulders than hers, she deserved this pain. Deserved for not telling Cedric enough times that she loved him, for not being more affectionate, for not trying to sneak away more to see him.

If this had been Cedric she had been clinging too, he would have kissed her head and whispered loving words in her ear as he tried to calm her down. Now all she heard were words whispered in her head that sounded like him, and hugs from someone who didn't smell like wood polish and soap.

"People will be coming soon Pansy, we have to go," Theo was right.

Pansy nodded into Sam's chest, knowing she needed to let go and flee before anyone caught her being less than perfect. So all Pansy could do was breath deeply and think of the colour black. She pulled away from him, using magic to hide away any puffiness in her eyes and dry away the tear lines.

Sam looked down at her, tears in his eyes, obviously trying to help her not break down again and keeping them in. He leant in a little bit, becoming eye level.

"You were his most important person, you are amazing, and I want you to know that all the boys in the dorm want you to come to them for anything. Write to us when you can when we all go home too, we want to remain friends," Sam stood now.

Pansy nodded, smiling a little before throwing her arms around him once more. It was a quick hug, and then Pansy was gone, down in the dungeons and about to enter the Slytherin common room. She took a deep breath and made sure that her appearance was satisfactory.

Theo put an arm around her waist and gave a quick squeeze before letting go and opening the door for them. They entered a quiet room, the fireplace crackling as always, some people playing chess or cards, others talking and reading.

It almost seemed like nothing drastic had occurred.

And for a moment, Pansy could breathe.

 **So yeah... I don't know, I just kind of decided to upload this. I'm not sure if I wanted to make this into a small story or do one shots of before and after this scene. I'm not really good at writing stories though, so let me know what you think? I know it's quite short, but I didn't want to extend longer than necessary.**


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